Haitus

Hi.

I love this place, and it is a spectacular exercise at keeping me mindful of the blessings in my life.

But right now, I am finding myself in a place where I am looking at these blessings like a dancer marking her choreography: I am not present nor dancing it. I am simply marking out where the steps should be.

And as I do that, the things I write about here are further removed from the truth. They're technically true, but they're not deeply-rooted joy. And this place is meant to be, for me, an expression of joy and wonder in day to day life.

I'll be back eventually, of that I am sure. But right now, I need to go find that joy.

Day 79

I know.

I have fallen down on the job here.

I got out of the habit when I was on vacation, and since I got back... Well, it's been kinda wacky. I have had a hard time being home. I mean, I am glad to be home, and I am glad for the myriad comforts of home, but... I don't know. I felt like I needed a reality decompression or something. The weather hasn't helped all that much, either, I am sure.

I've been in a kind of holding pattern, with the things for which I am grateful, and while I do know that it is important to have a solid appreciation for the basics... Well, it's kinda boring to me to be all "yep, I have awesome people!" or whatever, you know? And though I very much have been wanting to get down to the business of profiling all of those people for whom I am grateful, the time to do so simply hasn't materialised. I mean, I'm writing this of my own volition, and it's not like I make mad ducats when I do this (or, y'know: any), so it has to take a backseat, sadly.

But: be not afraid! I have many, many people for whom I want to do this. In looking over the past two weeks, it's been "people! people! people!" and no delineation of same. And really, they do make my life so much more palatable.

This very moment, though, what I am grateful for is:

-- the snow and ice appear to be turning directly to water. The ice pellets that were on the roof of my car are now all gone, and it merely looks wet.

-- that my life is full enough I haven't had time to sit and compsoe much of anything of value due to having been on the move. That's actually pretty rad.

I will admit though, I hit a bit of a manic spell a few months back, and I think right now, I am in the natural counterpoint to that. I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon enough, though!

Day 77 and 78

Ack! There is a forecast of snow!

This has taken over all things thinkable in my head.

I am grateful for fireplaces and snuggly dogs.

Day 76

Today, I am wearing a coral turtleneck with a paisley tie and a camel hair blazer.

It makes me smile, and provides a nice little bit of sunshine to contrast with the rain and fog we've been having.

74 and 75

I love that yesterday when we ended up at That Swedish Megastore of Inexpensive Design, the man knew the precise moment I hit overload, because the way I walk changed.

And then he made a concerted effort to hustle me out of the store as rapidly as possible, so I didn't hit meltdown/ crisis point.

That is observational love, my friends.

Today, I am busy being grateful that I have lots of work to do, so it will hopefull keep me active and awake.

I am horribly afradi I am going to flat out fall over into zzzzzzz...

Day 73

People.

I am grateful for the people in my life.

Last night I had the final round of birthday celebration, with my annual "hey, let's get together and have a food thing" dinner. I hadn't gotten an awful lot of feedback from people, so I thought it was going to be relatively small.

I was stunned and thrilled when we had to add a few table to fit everyone in. People I didn't expect to come - people who never leave the house - people I don't see often enough - came out of the woodwork to eat and laugh and be silly together. It was buttclenchingly cold, and they braved it to come spend time.

I laughed until my face hurt, and we were silly to the point of ridiculousness.

It is a good life to have.

Day 72

So many simple things to be grateful for today!

-- It's Friday! And isn't that always lovely? YES, it is.

-- My friend Ruff 'n Stuff landed a new job yesterday, so we went out (on a school night, even!) to celebrate.

-- Tonight, I get to have dinner with a wad of friends to wrap up my birthday celebration - it's always super-fun, delicious, and the teensiest bit rowdy.

--I have a nice, big, warm cup of coffee to keep me feeling cosy todau (28 degrees this morning! YIKES)

Day 71

It is gorgeous and sunny today.

I have spent this last week inundated with love from unexpected directions.

I had one of the best 35th birthdays a girl could ever ask for.

Days 69 and 70

I have returned home from an amazing vacation in a fantastic city, where I was inundated with love and joy pretty much nonstop.

Today's gratitude is for all of the people that I am so incredibly blessed to have in my life.

And for being home, where I have even more marvellous people around me.

Days 65-68

Really, the past few days have been so completely spectacular, I don't know that I can even begin to delineate the incredible amount of awesome I have been exposed to.

So that will wait until I get back home.

Day 64

So, the dental appointment has been completed and the first bit is behind me.

Today, I am heading to Los Angeles for five days, just for fun!

I'll be spending chunks of time with industry folks, sure, and there will be work ('cos that's what I do), but it's a pleasure trip. I won't feel guilty about sleeping in or meetings of anything. I am going to enjoy myself.

What a nice change of pace.

I will try to get online to gratitude myself, but if I don't... Well, I won't guilt myself about that, either.

Day 63

Chilly and rainy today, and still! Things to be grateful for! Huzzah!

I had to go to the DMV this morning as my license is expiring next week. After a bit of confusion and going to the wrong office originally, I found the right one and signed in for my renewal. Sat and read for about 15 minutes, and my number was called. Five more minutes and I was done!

While I was at first slightly distraught that no food or drink is allowed in the office - in my head, a DMV trip is always nightmarish and a long sitting there - I was pleasantly surprised to have it be such a quick resolution. My coffee hadn't even had time to get cold. How's that for rad?

Added bonus - I realised yesterday that I haven't touched my health savings account, and I need to get that sorted so it won't all go to waste, so I called up my dentist to see if I could get squoze in for an appointment. And squoze they did - I have an appointment today for a cleaning and to see what I need to get done. Hurrah!

... It's probably a little strange to be excited about a dental appointment, but I do need to get that all looked into, as it has been quite some time since I've had my teefs looked at. My bruxing has gotten worse, and I know my teeth have shifted pretty badly. And, y'know: it's never a bad idea to make sure you're not rocking a pile o' cavities and gum disease. So off I go this afternoon for that.

YAY! (seriously)

Day 62

Today I am grateful that I found my leather jacket!

It seems like a tiny thing, but when I couldn't find it Sunday before we went out on the motorcycles, I was a little stressed. I figured I left it at the office before the holiday - so when I got in yesterday and it wasn't at the office, I started to freak. I called around to the last places I might've worn it, and asked at the office lost and found - NOTHING.

I was starting to get a little panicky, to be honest.

Important things to know: I bought that jacket 15 years ago at a pawn shop. It's far too big for me, but I can layer under it, and I love it. It's been with me through failed relationships, more moves than I care to think about, several countries, death, divorce, and joy as my silent witness. It's gone to punk shows and goth nights and heavy metal concerts. It keeps me warm when it's cold and shields me from wind when we ride.

And suddenly, it was missing. I've never lost it before, and usually when things head out of my life, I don't sweat it. I just kinda go "well, clearly THAT wasn't meant to be in my life right now" and carry on. But this was hitting me in the solar plexus with gut clenching fear, for some reason.

At any rate, I spent the better portion of my day getting more and more upset that I couldn't seem to locate this jacket. I got an email as I was driving home, though, which I read in the driveway (I don't drive and read/ text/ whatever. I barely even talk on the phone when I am driving 'cos it freaks me out) - and it was a friend of mine saying that she was going to tell her house faerie to give it back to MY house faerie, so I would have it. And it made me smile, and I had been thinking "I should put out some honey and bread for the fae" anyhow.

So I went on inside and dealt with the dogs, and went back to my bedroom for something...

And there it was. Hanging off the edge of the bed.

Plain as day.

Go figure.

Day 59 and 60 AND 61

Wow! It's so hard to keep up when you're busy out living life instead of writing about it!

*laughing*

So, OK. On to the gratitude!

Saturday:

-- crock pot pot roast

-- test driving new mascara

-- minimal crowds when I had to go to Volde*Mart

Yesterday:

-- chaps

-- gorgeous days for riding

-- pink leopard print beanies

Today!

-- two day work week!

-- scheduling travel for work for early next year

-- knowing that although I am going to miss my local ride next week, I will get to ride anyhow, whilst in LA! YAY!

I am not going to write up three personality gratitudes, though, since I am making a rule that that is a one-per-post thing, not a one-per-day dealie. Yeh!

But, um, since I have a ridiculously short work week this week, and tons to do after a truncated week for the holiday LAST week... Yeh. It might be tonight. Or another time compeletely. Like, perhaps whilst I am on that flight. I bet I can knock out several ona five hour flight, don't you?

Right now, I am just ridiculously happy that my life has been so full I haven't had a chance to get here to write about how happy I am. That's actually pretty rad, when you think about it.

Days 57 & 58

Day 57: Thanksgiving!
I totally stole that image from a blog I read. Gorgeous sentiment; I was completely gutted by it when I saw it.

Today:
Yesterday was the national day of recognition of our myriad gifts, and everyday I am grateful for so very much - sometimes it is trivial and mundane ("yay, my dress has flowers!"), some days it is much more introspective ("I am so thankful that I have the ability to read and write and communicate with people who amaze me"), and some days it's remarkably prosaic ("I like having a home to come home to").

I am so incredibly lucky in so many ways, enumerating them seems futile some days. I have so many people in my life, in so many capacities, all of whom I learn from and am enriched and humbled by constantly. I start to think about listing them, and I know that trying to put their importance in my life into words will fall so far short - there are too many, and their contributions too expansive.

Oh, please: like that's going to stop me?? NO! So today, instead of going out into the throngs and hordes of people embracing consumerism on a grand scale, I am going to start a new little thing here: I am going to choose one person in my life to talk about as part of my daily gratitude. I am going to try not to repeat people, though there are some that come up more often (hello, I am beyond retarded on a daily basis for the ever-present and always-awesome XY; my family is stupid important; etc) - but there are others that are always there and worthy of shout outs of their very own.

This week, I've spent a fair amount of time talking to one of my girlfriends. She's one of those people that comes into your life from nowhere, and there is an instant connection - you realise that you speak the same language, and have frighteningly similar vantage point on the world. We began to get to know each other in February, and despite the entirety of a continent between us, BANG! Instant adoration of this woman. She's both constantly wise and innocent in how she views everything - when I think of her, I think of these lyrics from Jawbreaker:

There is plenty to criticize.
It gets so easy to narrow these eyes.
But these eyes will stay wide.
I will stay young.
Young and dumb inside.

It's been a rough year for my friend - there has been a lot of change, and much of it has left her shaken. This default world we live in can be brutal for dreamers and lovers and those filthy innocents that make it all worthwhile. Dreaming is hard business, after all, and it so often feels like we are failing in the moment when we are watching the beautiful world we know can exist in our heads. She is no different in how that ache hits her in the solar plexus when she is least expecting it.

Not long ago, I had an personal epiphany about failure. I was incredibly down on myself - nothing I was working on was moving in any direction that I wanted it to, and certain elements in my personal life were in shambles. I felt completely mired in the muck of mundanity, and couldn't see the sun shining anywhere because my entire soul felt like a "little black raincloud" (which is something my Grandmuzzer used to day when she was stuck in that place). But then I read something about Thomas Edison -- one of the most beloved and respected inventors of my national heritage -- and how, technically, he constantly failed in a lot of his endeavours. "I have not failed, I have found 10,000 ways that will not work," he is quoted as having said.

My epiphany was this: what we label as failure is one of the most vital stepping stones. In a crazy display of synchronicity, within days of having this realisation, I started seeing things all over the place about how necessary "failure" is to success (don't you love it when the universe does that? I do, like whoa. Please scroll up and re-read that bit about stardust. even more poignant now, isn't it? Crazy).

My friend has had a year of insanely difficult stuff. You know how sometimes you are working your way down a path, and you've been smacked in the face so many times, by so many branches, and the path itself has all but disappeared, and you can't help but start to forget what the hell was so important that you were on this stupid path for in the first damned place? Yeh, it's been that year.

But my friend, see, instead of sitting down on the ground and shaking her fist at the trees that are hitting her, and giving up 'cos she's never going to get to her destination -- she looks at the trees and asks them "Hey. How do I get to where I am going?" And the trees are so shocked that someone is talking to them, and asking for their help instead of cursing them that they open their branches and guide her down the path. 'Cos in the end, they kinda just wanted someone to pay attention to them, and now that she's addressing the things that have been hampering her progress, she will be that much more enabled to get to where she is going.

Thing is, this girl I know humbles me every time I talk to her. I am not particularly good about being in touch sometimes, but every time I talk to her, I aspire to be as amazing as she is. She is so filled with love, and joy, and rainbow sparkles; even in her darkest times, when she is terrified that nothing is going to do what it should, she continues to reach forward and learn from the now.

And her dreams are stars, and when it all comes down to it, she knows this is true: "Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged."

Dreaming is difficult business. Keeping it alive and refusing to let it die due to fear and failure is that much more difficult. But my friend reminds me that it is business that is worthwhile in the end.

Today, I am grateful for this friend.

Day 56

It's Wednesday, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. A lot of people I know have taken this month as a reason to do daily gratitude. I've been trying to look at different things.

Today I am grateful for repurposing a summer dress into something that makes me smile on an overcast day (it's a strapless floral maxidress, but I pulled on a turtleneck and jeans jacket over it - I am loving the flowers today).

I am happy to be able to listen to The Decemberists and Vampire Weekend and Okkervil River.

I am happy that I can spend tomorrow with my Mama -- and come back home after dinner. *grin*

I have amazing clients.

As I wrote yesterday to a friend who embraces his cranky: "I hate Starbucks, yeh, I'm incredibly grateful that - should I choose to put that burned ass swill in my mouth - I am flush enough to be able to pay for the privilege to pay a ridiculous amount of money for shitty fucking coffee. And that's pretty rad."

I'm heading into a four day weekend, after which I will work for two days and then go 'cross the country to spend five days with friends.

I live in a world where this exists for purchase. .

I have a comforter that has GIR on it from Invader Zim, covered in a print of sweets, with GIR shouting "I looooooooovvveeee candy!" It cracks me up every single time I look at it.

My Life Is Average is awesome.

Days 53, 54, and 55

I posted this yesterday for my Sunday/ Monday post:

Bullet points of gratitude!

• Shooting with two of my favourite guys
• naps snuggled with blockheaded doggehs (that aren't mine)
• ridiculous amounts of chicken soup
• being a Clemson fan means you can be all fan-girl, but really, you just look seasonal
• having green green grass when all of your neighbours have brown, dead lawns - the first time our lawn has looked better than those around us!
• 13 quarts of chicken soup in the freezer
• having a freezer!
• neti pots
• short work week.

Today!

Today I am grateful for my job. I love that I can wear a giant sweatshirt to work, that my co-workers are all people that challenge me.

Day 52

I didn't tailgate today 'cos I woke up with a little bit of a headcold, and I didn't want to risk being out for all hours.

SO I stayed in my jammies and watched horrible movies and watched football all day.

Go Tigers!

Going to the ACC Championship! Not bad for a season that started with them unranked, the youngest head coach in the division - who had never been head coach before - and a buncha freshmen. I'll take it.

Day 51

Today's list:

-- snuggly blankets

-- soft/ rough skin

-- sunshine

-- sparkly sweaters

-- dual monitors!

-- Friday!

AND payday!

AND tailgating tomorrow.

*bliss*

Day 50

I bought a dress early this past summer that I thought was super cute.

The neckline has a tie off to the side, and the bodice of it comes up to the loopy tie thingo, halter-style. It's a dip-dye kinda look, where the bottom four inches or so are a coral/ pink, fading into white, which transitions to the black that carries the rest of the way up. It's vaguely empire-waisted, in that the waistline is a few inches higher than usual, but it's not directly under the bust, the lines are slightly reminiscent of a trapeze style dress, and it stops an inch or two above the knee.

WOW. That is a truly horrible description. Regardless, it's a cute dress, and it has a lot of flow-y, drapey fun to it.

But I never wore it. I think I bought it back in April? May? Something like that. We're now into November - well and truly the time when sundresses get stuffed into the back of the closet - and I came upon it last weekend when cleaning out my closet. I held it up, questioning myself, and remembered how much I like the look of it.

Then why the heck didn't I wear it? I hear you asking. I know. It's kinda insane, right? To buy something and never wear it?

Thing is? It's sheer viscose - so it needs something under it, so my ladyparts aren't vividly on display. But every time I tried to put something on under it, it just... didn't work. Too bulky, too long, too... "What the hell happened here?"

I could hear Karen Walker in my head when I would put it on, is what I am saying.

Whatever. When I got rid of all of that stuff last weekend, I didn't get rid of the dress - I will give it another chance, I thought. If I don't wear it NEXT spring and summer, it has to go.

But this morning, I pulled it out, and I suddenly knew exactly what to do with it. And so I put it on, and I remembered I have a cardigan that goes well with the coral, and I threw on my boots, and even though I am tired and cranky and it's completely overcast and too many things in my life are all going pear-shaped, but dammit, I look hella cute.

Day 49

I love that my raincoat and rain hat are bright pink.

It gives me such a little gut punch of joy when everything is grey - and I feel like my own personal little happy thought bouncing through the world.

Day 48

I am so thankful to have people who accept and love me for being precisely me.

Day 46 and 47

Holy crap! What a great day to be alive (I totally typoed that originally to "alove," which is making me smile. *bliss*)!

This is a combo "crap I am grateful for" + "events that transpired" post, 'cos it all kinda goes together. I'm going to put it in bullet points though, 'cos I am dorky that way:

- Clemson won their game on Saturday (!!)

- GORGEOUS day yesterday. Perfect Indian Summer weather - 75 and sunny blue skies, with altostratus and cirrus clouds just whiffing along on the currents.

- Saw the most gorgeous tree. Fall is in full swing, and the leaves have been lovely this year, despite all of the rain. As we headed over to a friend's house yesterday, we passed this oak (?) in one yard - it had begun shedding its leaves, but still ahd a lot on it. The result was that the bright yellow-orange leaves were sprouting off the tree itself AND pooled under it - it looked like it was growing out of a lake of golden fire.

- Out on motorcycles with a group of friends in the aforementioned gorgeous weather. Seriously, this is becoming my drug of choice, because no matter what is going on, I get on that bike, and my brain finally actually shuts down and I can be completely in the moment.

- WIND. I realised yesterday on the ride - we were out for hours, puttering along the backroads, sometimes at 90+ MPH - that the wind on the bike bascially acts like a very long, gentle flogging on the bits that don't normally get flogged (overshare, probably, but whatever). Up and down hills at 75, out in the open, you get a lot of battering from the wind, which is weirdly relaxing. I am not one for scenes, as a rule, but... I do *get* it, it's just not my preference as a rule. Sometimes, though... it's nice to be able to cede control completely and not have to worry about being present, and just... Go.

- Zen: the view from the bike, with the wind beating me everywhere, and the sound in my ears, and just leaning as it goes.

- Free pork chops! We stopped at a bar down in the middle of nowhere (ok, FINE, I'm sure it was actually somewhere but I don't know where that somewhere is), and when we walked out back, they had a giant-ass smoker set up, pork chops sizzling away. One of the guys asked "who do we pay?" "Oh, no one - just go grab some!" BRILLIANT. Also: really amazingly tasty. YUM!

- Banter. I love some good banter.

- FOOTBALL Handegg! Went to dinner last night and there was football handegg on every telly in the joint. The guys found it amuaing that my head was swivelling like Linda Blair to watch the various games and root at various teams - for no apparent reason than 'cos I had decided THAT team was the one I wanted to win. Whateve r- I had fun yelling at the television.

- Snuggling. 'nuff said.

- When you have a horrible dream and it's awful, and you KNOW it's bad in your dream, but then you wake up, and it was just a dream, and you aren't in the middle of awfulness after all and you roll over and see someone you love and you just wanna burrow inside them 'cos they look so COSY.

- And sometimes, you're just grateful that your life is YOUR LIFE, and you don't have the lives of some of the people you know, 'cos you know they are hurting. And you know where they are 'cos you've been there yourself, and you love them and give them what you can, but at the same time you are able to hold up where you are and where they are and see how very much you have to be grateful for at this very moment. I know that is an utterly ridiculous sentance, but it's true; I just couldn't figure out how to say it. I am simultaneously having my heart go out to them and loving them and being fully aware of how very, very fortunate I am in so many aspects of my life.

Day 45

I am awake early on a Saturday - lots to do!

I've begun laundry and swept, and am currently drinking a giant mug of hazelnut coffee.

In a bit, a friend who is AWESOME is coming by to help me weed through my ridiculous closet. I love my clothes, and I thrift almost everything, so I have a LOTTA stuff. We're preparing for the arrival of a new housemate, though, so I need to make room in my closet for my sweetie to be able to store HIS clothes - and that means it's time to cull! I've been wanting to do this for a while, so I am really excited - I know I just look at everything and talk myself into keeping it, though, so assistance is necessary. I am super-happy to have a friend who is willing to brave the wilds with me.

I am looking forward to having lots to donate to both my favourite charity AND the local "Goth Swap." I'm hoping to fill at least one Rubbermaid tub for charity, and more for the swap. I feel very productive already!

Day 44

Oh, holy smokes!

There's a big ball in the sky, and it is making there be LIGHT ON, in the OUTSIDE!

*squeaks in joy*

Also, I am incredibly grateful for smooshy snuggles. Even if I didn't get to sleep very well 'cos of them, they sure are awfully nice.

Day 43

Mmmm.

I am grateful for a lot today:

-- going out on a school night

-- free tickets to a fun show

-- time with a friend and good conversation

-- catching a whiff of detergent and thinking it's my dumpling surprising me (it wasn't, but what a lovely thought! It was like he was there, even though he had other plans. So nice :) )

-- cosy, snuggly beds with cosy snuggly sweetie beside me

-- doggie kisses

-- mmmm! COFFEE!

-- killing zombies in a video game

-- being content

-- oversized woolen sweaters

-- good hugs

Day 42, pt 2

OOOH!

I love it when I have a reason to make another post!

*rolls around in the bliss of happiness*

I just checked my email, and I had an email from someone I worked with years ago, before I moved to my little city. She was one of my favourite people I have ever had the pleasure of working for, and I hadn't heard from her in a year or two -- I was afraid that she had passed.

It may be silly, but I am so glad to hear from her.

Days 39 and 40// repost from elsewhere

*cracking up*

OK - I totally DID post about my weekend - I just did it in the wrong place! *laughing*

Here's what I posted elsewhere, thinking it was here:

Days 39 and 40

Happy Monday!

Saturday, I wasn't nearly as productive as my ridiculous wake-up time woulda suggested. But that's ok - it was a great day anyhow.

I ran errands and manged to pick up a gift I needed to get for my sweetie's birthday party that night, got some cooking done, and off we went to a super fun bonfire gathering with folks we don't see as often as we would like. He seemed to enjoy his present, I got to snuggle my other honey, and the bonfire was beautiful!

Mmmmm! I woke up Sunday morning smelling like woodsmoke. So lovely - I really enjoy that, and it happens not nearly as regularly as I would like. ^.^

Yesterday, I took the sweetie down to meet up with a friend, 'cos they were going to spend the day doing some stuff in which I have no interest (and I tend to think it's important that we do stuff on our own, so we have stuff to talk about), and I had the day to myself with my doggies.

In the afternoon, I got to roll around in the dirt pretending to be a rabbit for a photo shoot (SO FUN), and then there was roasted chicken with gravy and zombie-killin' video games to be played.


*bliss*

What a lovely, lovely weekend, overall.

Day 42

On one of my social network thingos, there is a lemming going 'round wherein folks are meant to post a thing each day until Thanksgiving about for what they are grateful.

May I take this opportunity to comment that I was ridiculously pleased that I do that already? *grin*

Today, I am grateful for gore-tex lined hunting boots! It is cool and rainy as all get out - not cold, by any stretch, but regardless, 55F and pouring rain from the remainder of a hurricane is not warm either - but my toes are nice and cosy.

I may not look particularly stylish, but I am a-ok with that as it turns out.

Also, I am totally listening to the collected works of Disney today - for some reason, having a cast of animated critters singing to me just perks me right up, despite the grey that's going on outside.

Days 39, 40, 41

Whoops!

I totally thought I had done this yesterday til I came over today to write. D'oh!

I had an amazing weekend, stuffed chockablock full of incredible people sharing their time with me and my #1 Sweetie.

An impromptu movie-watchin' gathering, productivity, a bonfire, a birthday party, an outing with the Boyfriend, gorgeous weather, super fun photoshoot, and excellent food.

Really, what more could a girl ask for?

Today, it is raining, and I think it will be nice to see the fall-painted leaves drifting up against the puddles.

Day 38

I woke up this morning at 6:45.

It's a Saturday. I don't know WHY I woke up at 6:45. I just did.

I have lots to do today, it's gorgeous outside, and I spent last night with people I think are right keen.

These are all good things. What a good Saturday to be alive.

Day 37

I am wearing a vest today with velvet and sequins, over a lipstick red turtleneck, with a cameo.

When the sun reflects off the sequins, it makes me smile.

It's been a tough week.

Today, I am grateful for that little bit of sparkle.

Day 36

You know how some mornings you wake up and it's all just BAD from the moment you set your feet on the floor? You fight with your sweetie, your pets are making you crazy, traffic is hellish, you can't find your Mp3 player, nothing you put on looks right, and you have a headache.

Indeed.

I've been awake for right at tow hours, and so far, all of that has happened.

I say all of this by way of acknowledging some days it is much, much more difficult to find things for which to be grateful, you see.

But as I was drivign to work this morning, in the traffic from hell - seriously, I think there were four (FOUR!) near misses of getting creamed/ creaming someone on the road, thanks to complete lunacy on the roads - I was thinking "OK, this is the universe telling me I need to work on patience. Clearly." 'Cos every time I'd start to get really frustrated with someone being slow/ annoying/ other wise stupid and get around them, events would conspire against, and I'd be stuck there. And so, I would get annoyed and start to get yelly at the other driver, while I sat in my car (yes, I do realise that they can't hear me, but it makes me feel marginally better), when it occured to me that if I were just more patient, this wouldn't be bugging me so much.

And then I started to think about this woman I used to work with, years ago, at a bagel shop. It was not teribly long after I'd graduated college, and if you've ever worked in food service, you know how unpleasant that job can be on occasion. Things people would never think to say under normal circumstances, they feel they can say to someone in food service. (Actually, I take that back, since I have been noticing a marked decline in courtesy over all.)

Anyhow. People would get very nasty about fairly inconsequential things (really? You're going to throw a hissy because there is portion control in effect, and charges for extra? That's worth a meltdown to you?), and I would get really frustrated/ annoyed/ furious/ etc because there's only so much a counter-worker is empowered to do, you know? But I noticed that one of my co-workers always maintained this incredible level of equinamity, no matter how red-faced and sputtering and loud the person on the other side of the counter got. She never lost the aura of deeply-rooted peace and serenity. So one day I asked her about it, 'cos it compeltely blew my mind. We were about the same age, and I wanted to know how she didn't just want to lose her shit all over these people. She went on with her cleaning of the counter, and said simply "God loves me."

She gained such peace from the depth of her faith. Today, she is my inspiration and reminder that even when you fight with your sweetie, your pets are making you crazy, traffic is hellish, you can't find your Mp3 player, nothing you put on looks right, and you have a headache - serenity is a choice.

Day 35

My sh0es are too big.

Gorgeous sunny sky this morning, and I have two roasted chickens in my refrigerator. Hurrah for home cooked food!

Tonight, I will roast two more, and two more tomorrow night.

Day 34

Yesterday, as previously noted, was grey and all-round YUCKMO. The kinda day you look out of the window at, and it makes you kinda collapse into a droopy puddle of floompy on your desk.

You know that day, I am certain of it.

However, my sweetie picked me up at noon, as we had plans to spend the afternoon together.

Confession: I love my sweetie. But the leaden sky and chilly temperatures were NOT inspiring. I kinda actually gave serious consideration to staying at work.

I am awfully glad I didn't though, as about an hour later, as we prepared for our afternoon excursion, the temperature popped up about 8 degrees, the sun came out, and all the clouds went scudding away from our vantage point to the sky. It made our trip down back country roads on the motorcycle infinitely more pleasant.

And then we went grocery shopping, where I bought an almost (but not quite) absurd amount of meat to cook and store in the freezer (checker-outter guy, as he scans the meat at the price club: "Uh, what on earth are you going to do with THIS MUCH meat?!" "Um. Cook?").

I feel very relaxed and fairly accomplished. Mmm. Beautiful days, motorcycles, and country-style steak with rice a gravy. That's a damned good day, if you ask me.

Day 32 and 33

I am grateful for:

-- friends on the same wavelength.

-- lazy Sundays, spent entirely in pajamas

-- being able to build a costume on the fly from m y wardrobe

-- glitter

-- sleeping as late as I want to

It rained on and off most of the weekend, and the skies today are leaden and grey. Today, though, I am able to see them as pearly instead of gloomy.

Day 31

Wow.

I've done this for a whole month!

I am really proud of that.

Today I am grateful that I went out last night with friends, on the fly. I hadn't planned to go out. and I am so glad I did. I had an amazing time. that I would've missed out on, had I satyed home.

Day 30

Today's joy:

The company I work for LURVES Halloween.

It's nicknamed the High Holy Day - there are costume and pumpkin-carving contests, and photo ops, and everyone that dresses up gets to bail out several hours early. How rad is that?

I am sitting at my office, dressed in my (to be completely honest, kind of sad) costume, tickled pink.

Day 29

zzzzzzz...

I'm sitting a gorgeous shaft of sunshine through my window at the office.

It is making me feel very Garfield: nap attack!

A later than usual night of being social has left me dozy today, but it was lovely.

But the sun is shining, and I'm so glad I went out on a "school night."

Day 28

I was not a grateful girl last night when I got home.

I left work in the pouring rain, had errands to run (also in the rain), it was cold, people in the places I have to do my errands were annoying me, I got home late, dinner still had to be prepared...

It was not a Fun Time to be me.

However, I made an "experimental" dinner - nothing crazy or highfalutin', just something I'd never made before (cubed venison steaks) - and it was delicious. YAY for venison and comfort food - and delicious leftovers for lunch!

I went to bed early and woke up cosy and warm.

The trees are all lovely.

I have fun plans with friends to look forward to.

These are the things to remember.

Day 27

This morning, as I crawled out of bed to take my dogs out, I tossed on the clothes I keep by my bedside for that purpose and took the dogs out.

As I stood there in the drizzle, I mentally went through my wardrobe - what would be cosy but not frumpy on a grey, vaguely rainy, sorta chilly day?

And so I went and got dressed, and am grateful today that I work somewhere I can wear a completely respectable ensemble, with hot pink and orange striped socks with bats on.

And no one will say a word. Hurrah!

highlight: Hugs from Teddy when I get to work.

Days 25 & 26

Mmmm.

I had such a good weekend, though, like all weekends, it was much too short. I do admit that may be what makes them so lovely though - because we are limited in time, so they become more valuable. When one has a surfeit of free time, it becomes less enjoyable.

Saturday (24), I had the pleasure of seeing/ spending time with/ talking to people I don't see often enough.

Yesterday, I had the joy of spending large chunks of time with more people I think are awesome.

Today, I am grateful to have had that weekend.

... Though I would very much like a nap. *laugh*

Day 24

Lots today!

I'm a little behind as I have spent the morning completely being a web-dork and catching up on my social networking - versus doing all the crap I know I *should* be doing.

Do I feel bad about that? A little. I know I have a lot to do, so there's a little guilt.

Regardless of that, I am having a day where I am suffused with general gratitude for pretty much everything. I have no idea why, but I am just... Grateful. I have a good life, and amazing friends, and I woke up to the sound of a heavy rain, and my dogs are cute (I love listening to a hound dog snore and moo), and I have things to do - I can choose to do them, or not, as the mood takes me.

It's really freeing to have that moment.

Day 22

Last night, as I was tucking myself into bed, I did a little ritual thing.

Well, let me be honest: I would like it to be a ritual, but I am not that disciplined as a rule, so it's more "a thing I do randomly, when I remember."

And basically, I just took that moment and let myself be completely blissed out by the good stuff in my life.

A while back, I was dating someone, but we had to end the relationship due to external factors that were beyond our control. It was very difficult and painful, and complicated by the fact that we both still cared very much for one another and didn't really want to split up.

Also, we are friends.

Very complicated and awkward and strange.

At any rate, we still talk regularly and we've both touched on missing that emotional intimacy and connection. And yesterday, I found out that the external forces have kinda...

Well, they're no longer there. We have the freedom to explore our connection and see where it goes, freely and without constraint. It's been a long time coming, and while I know it is susceptible to going off the rails - what isn't, when it comes to human interaction? - right now, I am so grateful for this opportunity.

Day 21

They say (which they? I don't know. Why do we say this?) that it takes three weeks to build a habit.

Congratulations, little habit! It's officially your Day Of Becoming!

It's a beautiful day today - a little warmer and sunny. I would very much like to be out and about in it (preferably on the back of a motorcycle!), but I have a window in my office through which I will enjoy the day.

Day 20, v2

This morning, as I was getting dressed, I asked my sweetie what shoes he thought would best accompany my outfit. He outlined some basic requirements for what I should choose, and I said "So, pair [x]."

He looked confused and said "Is that the only pair that will work?" "Well, based on what you just said, yes."

Immediately, he retorted "We need to get you more shoes. Your shoe wardrobe is seriously lacking."

How many men would say something like that?

... Especially considering I probably have 70 pairs of shoes in my closet right now!

Day 20

I like to update this first thing in the morning so my day is started on the best poissible note.

The downside of that is that my mornings are generally pretty rushed and it can be tough to find something in that tiny amount of time before I have to begin my work day. On the other hand, I usually have a full day between posts.

Like many women who work full-time outside the home, trying to figure out what I want for dinner is an ongoing struggle. I am totally not together enough first thing in the morning to get a crock pot together, and I don't usually think about it at night - I'm doing good if I get one meal into my belly once I get home!

At any rate, last night I was looking around the kitchen, kind of despairing, as I haven't been to the grocery in a while and the freezer is a little barren, we have eaten most of the quickie "throw-together" meals that we have on hand (usually stuff I have cooked ahead of time and frozen), and I am totally sick of hamburgers.

As I stared into the freezer on top of the fridge, I slowly realised I had two freezer packages of garlic naan - they've been in there for quite some time, as I picked them up thinking I would be adventurous and make Indian for dinner some time. I had picked up some shelf-stable pre-made stuff at the same time -- boil in bag dinner things.

The problem with this is that I don't really LIKE Indian food all that much.

On the other hand, I was completely fried and really didn't feel like cooking.

So I pulled the naan out, and made some rice, and boiled up the bags, pretty resigned that dinner was going to be awful -- after all, how often are pre-made things actually tasty? Not so very often, in my experience.

I was pleasantly surprised at how flavourful the whole meal was. The naan had just enough flavour, and the [whateveritwas] has a nice kick to it - enough that my sweetie's nose began running!

Sometimes, the things we resign ourselves to end up better than what we would've planned for.

Day 19

Yesterday, I was dressed very warmly (as noted). As I got dressed, my sweetie commented that he thought I had over-warmed myself - weren't tights superfluous under my jeans, since I would be in the office all day?

I responded that the office is often quite chilly, and as such, I felt pretty ok about my choices.

As it turned out, I left work at noon - with the blessing of those who needed to be aware - to spend the day with him. He had some errands to run, and they were errands I was pretty excited to run with him, as they hinged on some decisions we've been giving serious thought to.

As we went about the business of these errands, he ended up on a call with a friend, which led to us going to the home of an acquaintance, which, in turn, led to us spending the remainder of the day on motorcycles wending down forested roads.

Tucked on the back of a motorcycle, with the wind in my face and the temperatures dropping, I was chilly - but because I had dressed so warmly, I was never uncomfortable. And because I wore tights under my jeans, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Spending an unexpected day doing unexpected things can happen when you remain open to the experiences life will present you.

The best bits are that we will be going again soon. And that my sweetie will have his very own bike before too long.

Day 18

It is buttclenchingly cold out this morning - not as cold as it will get over the course of the winter, to be sure, but for the time of year, the temperature has dropped really quickly, to our first below-freezing temps of the season.

Brrrr!

Considering I live in the south, and it's OCTOBER, having a hard frost is a little disconcerting.

BUT!

I am determined to maintain my good cheer and gratitude - though I will warn you, it may get more difficult as the season progresses as I suffer some from Seasonal Affected Disorder.

Having said that, last night, my sweetheart took me to a concert as a celebration of my continued sobriety (yesterday was my 18th anniversary of joining the ranks of sober, joyous, and free!). While we were at the concert, he bought me a hockey-jersey styled sweatshirt - *bouncing squee!*

Today, I am wearing that sweatshirt jersey as a reminder that though it is cold, there is warmth to be had. Also: the sun i shining brightly, and I am, as always, blessed.

Days 16 & 17

A little late, but better late than never.

My gratitude today and yesterday is very, very basic. I am beyond grateful to have such amazing people in my life who bless me with their existence. I cannot say how incredibly grateful I am to all of them for the myriad gifts and blessings they contribute to my day to day existence.

Day 15, pt 2

Right now, I am grateful that I am safe and sane and able to be able to be there for someone who needs me more than I can imagine.

Day 15

I just got asked if I am wearing my "skinny jeans," and I am not.

I guess these jeans look pretty good on me :)

--------------------------------------------

It's been a hairy week to find things - I don't do well when it's grey and rainy - add in the first serious temperature drop, and it all goes pear-shaped kinda quickly in my head.

But yesterday, I booked a trip for my birthday (using my frequent flier miles 'cos I am a budget-conscious gal), and when I mentioned it to my friends in the city I'll be visiting, there was so much excitement about it - that helps. As I touched on recently, it's nice to be wanted.

--------------------------------------------

It's a quirk of mine that although I get compliments on various things with some regularity, I rarely think they're valid. I don't have the hubris to imagine it's a strange quirk, by any stretch of the imagination, but I do realise it's one of those things that makes me a tiny bit off kilter. Certain things I brush off , because my mind parses them as "default" because they are not things I have any control over. I don't have anything to do with my "amazing eyes" or my "awesome mind" or my "beautiful back": these are all things that came factory installed, and I am just blessed to have them. I didn't create them or have any input with regard to them. I am always grateful to receive compliments, don't get me wrong, but I don't see why I should get to take credit for them, I suppose.

I kinda feels like winning an award when you're the only person in the room: Congratulations! You're... Um, here. Have an award 'cos we have no one else to give it to.

Which is all a very long-winded way of getting to this: late yesterday, I found out that some writing samples I submitted recently have been accepted! This is incredible news, 'cos I've never, ever written for any reason other than to amuse myself - and to find out someone else thinks my stuff is worth putting out to the world? THAT is worth celebrating.

Because I did work for that. And I am proud to know that is acknowledged, in however small a way.

Day 14

Time management is one of those things I have never quite gotten the hang of. I find myself with not enough time or giant expanses of it stretching out around me with nothing to fill the void.

Over the course of my life, I have, like most people, run headlong into times where I can't find a moment to breathe and I begin to feel overwhelmed. I am, at heart, introverted - my batteries are charged when I am able to spend time completely alone. When I am in those periods when I am going five hundred miles an hour, I start to get irritable- why can't everyone just leave me the hell alone? Why does everyone need something from me? GO AWAY! I'm not Greta Garbo- I don't want to be alone, I need to be alone. How come no one gets that? WAH!

I'll fess up: I throw a big ol' pity party and feel very sorry for myself. It's all very pathetic, to be quite honest. After all, I am usually the one that puts myself in these very situations that I then turn around and complain about! Silliness, I say.

Once I can realise that I am being patently ridiculous, I am able to be so thankful that I have people that love me enough they want to spend time with me and shift my perspective some: it's an embarrassment of riches to be so loved.

And I am. About that, I have no doubt.

Day 13

I am a really pisspoor homeowner. I suck at doing basic maintenance stuff, in part because I don't realise it needs to be done, in part because I flake out once I realise it should be done, and in part because I am usually too broke to afford material costs.

This morning, my partner mentioned something about our lawn - it's been woefully neglected since I bought the house four or five years ago, with little other than the most basic mowing/ edging/ weedeating maintenance done to it. I haven't planted anything because I travel pretty regularly and I know my partner won't remember to water or week anything in my absence, so I haven't wanted to waste the time/ effort/ money on plantings.

He really hates doing yard work.

So this morning, when he asked me to remind him to water the lawn over the next few weeks, I was caught off-guard. Turns out, the guy he had hired to handle our mowing and such has reseeded and fertilised the front yard, and the Manflesh doesn't want that to go to waste.

As he walked me out to my car this morning, he pointed out the new growth from the reseeding. We're solidly into fall, and there are bright green shoots of young grass in the yard.

Even when everything seems to be bundling up and closing its doors against fall, something is flourishing. That's a good thing to keep in mind.

Day 12

Lately, there's been something in the air, and a lot of my friends have been going through some very difficult times. It's very, very sobering and incredibly easy to become weighed down by how much is going on in the lives of people I care about. I used to have a very tough time being able to be a true friend, because there was always a tally in my head - and I allowed myself to feel like a martyr, as I felt as though I was constantly giving but not receiving in return.

Of course, after many years of that internal hurtful monologue, I realised that I didn't let people know when I needed help, either. Kinda makes it difficult to help me, huh?

Today, I am beyond grateful that my life is stable enough that I can offer support to my friends without anger, bitterness, or any resentment. There is a certain amount of peace that comes with being able to say "How can I help?" without anything behind it beyond a desire to actually be of assistance and be a support when it is needed.

Day 11, pt 2

Oooh!

I am SO glad to have an iPod today.

My mood has kinda been all over the place, and before the advent of MP3 players, there is NO WAY I would've been able to facilitate that - but now, I can go from layered harmonies to electronica to heavy metal to big band, without any problem.

AND it all fits in the palm of my hand! Awesome.

Day 10 and 11

Sundays are my day that I go out and live life, instead of documenting it, so I suspect my Sunday posts will often come on Monday mornings.

Yesterday, for example, I had plans to grab a bite to eat with some friends and follow up with a day of thrift-shop hopping. There is very little I find as much fun as spending a day with my girlfriends, and yesterday was no exception. There was much in the way of laughter and silliness, which seems to be one of the best ways to start a week on the right foot. Plus, there was the added bonus of having people to give feedback on "Well, I'm pretty sure you have umpteen billion of that already, don't you?" Brilliant way to spend an afternoon.

And today, we're back to Monday, and it's overcast. Normally, this would be one of those days I have a rough time finding something for which to be grateful - but today, I am grateful for spaghetti.

It's like this: this morning when I was rummaging through the fridge for something to bring with me to work for lunch, I discovered my sweetie had prepared a lunch for me, packaged in a perfect size for lunch - despite not having done so for himself. We had spaghetti for dinner one night recently, and of course had much more sauce than we did noodles. Last night, after I went to bed, apparently The Cutest Man in the World made up a mess of pasta just so I could have spaghetti for lunch.

How thoughtful is that? Ridiculously so, I think. *bliss*

Day 9

Oh, lots of reasons to be grateful today, but I'm going to go with the one that popped into my head as soon as I woke up:

It's perfectly lovely to be able to sleep until you wake naturally.

Joy Linking

I should probably go sign up for a billion affiliate accounts or something so I can make ALL THAT MONEY from the traffic I'll be sending (...)(*cue maniacal laughter*), but mostly, these are just some links that focus on enjoyment that I am liking this week.

Oh, let's be honest: Probably all the time *laugh* Which is my way of saying: these are all simply my own opinion.*

The Happiness Project: Seriously. How can you not automatically be put in a better mood by that? I mean: A project ALL ABOUT HAPPINESS. So rad.

Zen Habits: My friend The Panda pointed me at this a while back, and while I certainly am not together enough to remember to read it as regularly as I should, when I do, it always serves up exactly what I am needing.

Vital Affirmations: Brilliant.

50 Ways to Brighten Your Day: Exactly what it says. Always good to have on hand.

A big PILE of articles about embracing joy

And, of course, there is ALWAYS Gala Darling, who is consistently charmingly insane, who brings us this list of stuff to cheer yourself up. Brilliant.

I used to do a Love Thursday post over in one of my other webhomes, but I figure: Why limit myself? ^.^

*No endorsements have been paid or given by the sites listed herein. All comments are simply because I happen to think the site in question is pretty rad. Here endeth the disclaimer.

Day 8

This morning, getting out of bed was TOUGH. I've been completely exhausted for no good reason I can figure out, and the dark, cool mornings make it that much more difficult to haul my carcass out of bed.

But it's the manflesh's day to be at work painfully early, and the dogs have to go out whether or not I want to get up. So up I got.

And you know? I got to the den, shambling along in my morning couture d'homeless ensemble, and one of the dogs ran full force into my shins.

I wanted to be angry, 'cos: OW. But her entire body was shimmying like an excited puppy, and she kept trying to climb into me, and give me kisses, and despite my exhaustion and being kinda cranky, I had to smile.

'Cos there is nothing quite as capable as perking up a dull, grey morning like forty-five pounds of wriggling, ecstatic doggie giving you kisses and smelling just like a doggie should.

And for that, I am immensely grateful.

Inspiration

life is difficult. It really is. But it seems much more difficult than it really is because society is training you to think that it should be easy. Microwave popcorn, drive-throughs, magic pills and instant downloads have conditioned us to expect everything to be easy and push button and if it’s not, then oh-crap-what-is-wrong-with-me-I-am-such-a-failure.

• If you wish/expect/hope things should be easy, then getting out of your comfort zone is terrifying and paralyzing and something you will never, ever bring yourself to do it.
• But if you accept that life is difficult, then it stops being so damned bad.Yeah, it’s a pain sometimes, but you expect it and it’s not so bad simplybecause you expect it. You know you’ll wince, but you know it’s going to be worth it.

From The Launch Coach

Day 7

First, an addenda to Day 6. Let's call it Day 6.1:
Yesterday, in a fit of hubris, I showed this blog to a friend of mine. She's generally pretty upbeat, and a constant inspiration to me, so I sent her the link to this little exercise without telling her anything about it.

I meant to get back here yesterday and add her response, because it made me so happy:
"omg i love all your gems of fun times! thats really magical."

As a secondary bit of happiness-inducement, there is an elsewhere I wrote about some other things, and a friend commented to me that my remarks there inspire her to try new things.

Aren't those amazings thing to be told? It gives me joy to know others are touched by my small steps, when I am just working to get things out of my head. Small gems of joy to admire when when I am lacking in inspiration of my own.

And now, onto new business.

It's that time of year when the weather is changing on a dime - cool and cloudy giving way to sunny and downright warm with capricious speed. One doesn't want to turn on either the heat of the air conditioning, because it will only bne appropriate for about 15 minutes.

Last night, I woke up a little chilled, as we've not yet put the winter blankets on the bed. Right about the time I became conscious of being un-warm, Manflesh scooted over on the bed and curled his toasty body around me. In short order, I was comfortably cosy again, and drifted back to sleep.

Day 6

It's grey and overcast, yet again, but this morning on my commute, I looked across at the skyline of my fair city and saw a strip of the perfect robin's egg blue across the heavy clouds.

Even when it's been days on end of dreary and soggy, there's always sunshine coming eventually. Isn't that a lovely thought?

Day 5

The temperatures have begun dropping for fall, and the grey, rainy weather has begun.

Though this is certainly not my favourite weather, I am grateful that I have warm, cosy clothes I can wear to mitigate the chill to some degree when I leave the house.

Day 3 and 4

... whoops. I missed yesterday's post, thanks to too much excitement in the homestead.

So, Day 3:

Bunch of stuff:

- Manflesh let me sleep in, despite needing my help with an errand

- Free tickets to a concert we both wanted to attend

- Being on the same page

Today (Day 4):

Sometimes, the Manflesh drives me to work, so he can use the car on his day off. When he drops me off, he waits in the driveway of the office to make sure I get in the building safely.

Day 2

This morning, I got to sleep in quite late.

Found coffee prepared, still hot, waiting on me. And the dogs had been taken out, fed, watered, and pilled.

Now I can focus on waking up. And isn't that a lovely thing?

Day One

As I was driving to work this morning, I thought to myself:

You know what's nice? Waking up grateful for what I have.

I know an awful lot of people and not a whit of them are all that jazzed about much of anything.

And then I thought "What the hell! I will make a blog all about basic stuff for which I am grateful." 'Cos that is the kind of hippie I am.

So to kick start this whole shedoingle:

Today, I am grateful that I woke up filled with gratitude.